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| On Friday, AW started playing with an imaginary friend named Dylan. She insisted that she was going to school and that she was bringing Dylan along.. then she and SM visited Dylan in his "room" in our house. Both girls were involved in this creative play for quite a while - which was nice cause it kept them busy. D and I watched with intrigue, as the name "Dylan" was the boy name I liked when I was pregnant with AW, before we knew the gender. So it was interesting to hear of this new 'friend.' When school started, we purchased a school calendar that had the pictures of the students... there was a picture of all the kids in AW class. She proudly named all her little friends.. but after we went through each child.. there was no Dylan. Then I remembered that her teacher's 2 year old son was named Dylan, and he goes to that school, but is not in her class... so she wouldn't have the opportunity to play with him. So, who really is Dylan?
In my high school biology class, I recall learning about when embryos are formed..and that sometimes there are twins, but one overcomes the other to survive, resulting in a single fetus. I think that was in a film. And when those people grow up, they will actually find pieces of that "other sibling" in lumps on their body, like fingernails on earlobes.. I know that sounds bizarre, and maybe it was a cruel joke that was played in my class... but that possibility (because it sounded so odd) always stayed with me. D and I are convinced that her imaginary friend Dylan is her twin, perhaps the one with no allergies, that she beat out to be with us.
Tomorrow I will ask her teacher to see if they played together - which is most likely the real story, but wouldn't it be so weird if that weren't true? *Twilight Zone music*
ps. I am only posting for the entertainment of my colleague AK who has requested that I updated this old blog. I am feeling under the weather but mustered up the energy to write about this strange experience to share.
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| Many of you know that I have been working under pressure since last July, crazed with weekly deadlines and getting my agency ready for a May 2008 review process. I had been functioning week to week, only meeting essential obligations, attending events and making sure each member of the family was where we needed to be. Every weekend was filled with overflow work from the weekday and every free weekday moment was filled with commitments for the girls.
So what have I been doing since my crazy work life has passed? I feel that I am recovering from PTSD and trying to find a normal life again.
First of all, I live for day to day, minute to minute action.. I enjoy being out and about and like to keep busy, so this aftermath feels a bit strange for me. Immediately after our site visit, I took a few days off to do some of my favorite things - shopping, got a massage, and had some alone time. I walked around Santana Row at my own pace, had coffee and went to the restroom when I wanted, and had a snack of my choice when I felt like it. Those who do not have children really don't understand how that freedom is such a gift. Driving somewhere, getting only myself out of the car, listening to the music I want, and going to Starbucks without worrying about spilling hot coffee on a little one, simply priceless. Moreso, walking through Valley Fair and browsing at whatever I wanted, trying on unlimited items in a dressing room by myself... ahhh... I thought I was in heaven. Oh, until I realized I had to hurry out so I could pick up SM from preschool.
June has been a busy month - SM graduated from Pre-K and also performed in her very first dance recital! We went to a good friends wedding, realizing how much we have all grown up since college. The girls are darling together and love to play together.. it's so sweet to observe their interaction and how much AW adores SM. She cries when we leave in the morning and runs to greet us when we return home at the end of the day. Always a cry out for the big sister first, hugs, and then I get some love.
At times I am still in denial of my old age, but reality hits when I fall asleep at 10pm. I went to Chicago for the first time last week for work and partial play and fell in love with the windy city! I was amazed that many places were family friendly and enjoyed eating all the great food - on the company dime too! And those of you who know me may realize that your tax dollars may have partially subsidized my prime rib. Hey, I pay taxes too!
As for work, I am working with my unit to regroup and plan our next moves. I have been on a cleaning rampage in my office, clearing my desks, drawers and cabinets - emptying out old crap and finding Cup O Noodles that expired in 2005..did you know they expire? It was pretty interesting. I even found pads that I packed away in 2003.. So many things evolve over time, like the packaging of pads.. and they keep coming up with better, thinner and longer stuff! My office is so clear that I wish that I took pictures of it in March, when I had piles of papers, binders overflowing, and post it notes galore to identify topics. Now everything is filed neatly, but the downside is, I can't find anything.
Right now, AW is taking an afternoon nap and feeling a bit under the weather. It's almost time to go pick up SM from preschool - she's in for the summer.. but I guess for us working parents, summer is not really a concept that our schedules adapt for..(unless you're a teacher). In the fall, the 2 of them will be in the same school, AW will start preschool, SW will be in kindergarten and I will have to figure out how to get us 3 girls out of the house and everywhere in time. D will surely need to wake up earlier! The weather here is nice, sunny but not too hot or cold - just the perfect weather for some dessert! Must be that time of the month coming around.
Have a good weekend, if any of you are reading this today.
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| Last night, the two girls were sitting on the couch drinking milk - SW had her cow's milk in a straw cup and AW had her soymilk in a sippy cup. AW finished her (she does most things fast) and was climbing around the sofa. She climbed behind her sister and fell over and in the process, SW spilled a little milk on AW's head and back.. just a little. Almost instantaneously, AW started to insanely scratch.. I think that her little hands touched a drop or two of the milk residue and in the process of scratching, spread it to other areas. Within minutes, she had hives all over the back of her neck. We gave her Benadryl but it did not seem to make a difference, not even 45 minutes later... she was still scratching. The saddest part is that when we try to hold her hands back she is frustrated and cries out "itchy." I swear, it was insane and of course I was panicked and feeling all sorts of things.
But my sweet little girl, who always seems to teach me life lessons is always lovely. I put some socks on her little hands and she stopped, looked at them, and said "lollipop." She is starting to talk more and it's been fun and cute. I just smiled to see the wonder in her face.. that despite her obvious suffering, she is still enlightened by the simple and fun things.
AW has just recovered from having a skin infection (she had scratched up a part of her skin that opened up and then subsequently scratched other areas, infecting other parts of her body and little pimples popped up) so she is just done with antibiotics. It's always something..
I was happy yesterday to receive my amazon.com order of Cherrybrook Kitchen yellow cake mix. I have gone to all the nearby retailers and none have yellow cake - they only carried chocolate. Then a smart friend from San Ramon reminded me that I can order things from the internet (thank goodness for technology)..so I ordered 6 boxes. They are for AW's second birthday party... I am going to make cupcakes (but not tell anyone that they are 'different'). It's going to be great! We are having a small party at a gym for families with kids under 6... so many of our friends have so many kids that we have outgrown many of the facilities.. and I don't really like parks (too much to plan, set up and clean up.. with the added element of weather and bugs).. maybe one day I will be bold and do it outdoors.. time to finish getting ready and get to work, but had to share.
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| It's obvious that I have not blogged in a while. It's not that I don't have anything significant to share (ha ha) it's just that there are so many things I could share. What I feel has been missing on my blog is some sort of theme. I am a pretty obsessive compulsive person, but I also suffer from an element of undiagnosed attention deficit disorder since my mind seemingly jumps around from topic to topic. Those two things are contradictory - how can I be so obsessed (around food, germs, shopping, order, perfection, etc) yet a lack of focus (those of you who have ever had a conversation with me have experienced this 'disorder' of mine). I guess this blog can represent my obsession of the moment. My three people readership won't have a nice strand to follow, but will have glimpses into my life and what I hope to be some sort of self discovery of what matters to the person that I am now, today, 2008. I have changed a lot and sometimes I just don't know who I have become. I am now defined by many external identities but who I am at the core remains.
So there it is, my theme is "Seasons Change." Like that old 80's or was it 90's Expose Song, "Seasons Change, People Change." It's just a mere coincidence that the first day of Spring was last week - not planned, nothing for me on this blog ever is, though I plan my life obsessively with the one belief in destiny and fate.
Things always happen for a reason.
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| Here it is.. my obsession of the year... what to feed AW?? It's been a year since we found out that she was allergic to milk and eggs.. and four months since we confirmed that she's not only allergic to milk and eggs, but also to peanuts, almonds, and shrimp. She has pretty severe eczema as a result of her allergies (or maybe just because she has it) - splotchy skin and constantly scratching in her sleep. It breaks my heart sometimes when I lube her up in Aquaphor each night and identify all the red spots that need extra attention.. to still see her scratching and not having a good nights rest. Even Benadryl and an all night humidifier does not relieve her itching.
Since December, I have been quite an obsessive label reader. Her allergist asked us to do a two week challenge to eliminate all the allergenic foods, even those where the label reads "made in a facility..." Even when we've done that, she is still suffering - as am I inside. I am still in the process of evaluating foods, developing AW approved menus, and changing our family's habits and snack foods to be more sensitive to AW. And I admit, it's been really hard. This is why I am blogging today - to capture my angst and to share this with anyone who will read so that they will know what a mother goes through each day.
There are many things that I have had to ponder about and here they are, along with associated feelings where noted:
1) Maybe something I ate when I was pregnant caused her 'condition'? (guilt)
2) I LOVE to eat sweets, desserts - all of have dairy content in it (guilt and sadness)
3) My past ignorance to anyone with food allergies and sensitivities (guilt).. having parties with foods that I like versus foods others can eat
4) My own allergies + D's allergies caused this - and she will not be 'normal' in a certain way because of us (guilt)
5) AW is a happy child who LOVES to eat... and eats a lot... and cries when she can't have something we or SM is having (sad)
6) AW will start preschool in the fall, and I am already experiencing anxiety because although she will have the best time playing with others her size (happy) but she will also be exposed to more opportunities where she will feel 'different' (sad) when they have their lunch meals, cupcakes, treats, etc which are almost always comprised of dairy products... and although I can plan for most big celebrations by offering an alternative (sad again that she will feel different) there are so many times that I won't be able to anticipate (guilt)
7) How SM's life is different because she accommodates her sister.. at only 4 years old, she has become our best food patrol when AW comes near 'dangerous food' and when others offer her food by stopping AW from grabbing/eating foods, and letting us and others know. (sad because a 4 year old should not have to worry about such things). We've had special outings where we go all out and eat foods that we don't really want to eat in front of AW, like Yumi Yogurt, pizza, pasta with cheese, strawberry crepes with ice cream, Baskin Robbins Tuesday $1 Ice Cream Night, pretzels with cheese dip....)
On the contrary - these are the things that I am thankful for:
1) Discovering and appreciating certain foods even more - like sorbet
2) Cherrybrook Kitchen food mixes (cakes and pancakes are the best!)
3) Vegans Everywhere! - because of vegans, there are so many more food options here int he Bay Area for AW.. Even Peet's Coffee carries delicious vegan cookies and scones.. thank goodness!
4) Egg replacer (I still don't know what it is, but D uses it)
5) The creative use of tofu - Tofutti ice cream sandwiches (thanks to nycmama for that great tip!)
6) My mom, who cares for AW during the week.. and has become as obsessed and protective that I am about foods.
I am sure that I will come up with more to share, but one girl is crying, the other needs a diaper change, and I am hungry from typing about all these foods. Thanks for tuning in - I am thankful for all my friends and the love and support that you've given me. Please continue to share any good finds in foods, products, etc.. much appreciated.
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